Customer Service

More complicated than it needs to be

Thank you for calling Pioneer Quantum Cable formerly known as Quantum Cable or QC.

Para español marque siete por favor o para español oprima dos por favor.

Attention Customers. This call may be monitored for security and training purposes. Your call is very important to us so please listen to the full menu as the menu might have changed in the transition from QC to PQC. If at any time you wish to return to the Main Menu, please press Star Four. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1. Main Menu. Please state briefly the nature of your call.

She had a wide, unnatural grin attached to her voice, like she was told to smile big when making the recording. No one talks like that.

“I have a Billing question,” Mac said.

I’m sorry. It seems like you are saying you did not receive your bill, is this correct?

“No.”

I apologize. Please state the nature of your call.

“I was overcharged.”

Your bill is incorrect and you are being overcharged, is this correct?

“More or less.”

I’m sorry. I did not recognize that response. I understand your bill is incorrect and you are being overcharged, is this correct?

“Yes.”

I can help you with that.

“Not this again. This is ridiculous.”

*4

Main Menu. For Sales, please press or say, “One.” For Inquiries, please press or say, “Two.” For Customer Service, please press or say…”

“Three,” Mac said.

I’m sorry, I do not recognize that command. Main Menu. For Sales, please press or say, “One.” For Inquiries, please press or say, “Two.” For Customer Service, please press or say “Five.” For Billing-related questions, press or say “Seven.”

“Seven.”

Thank you. One moment please while we access your records. Oh, I’m sorry. I do not recognize your phone number. Is your Billing inquiry associated with the number you are calling from?

“I don’t know.”

Heh heh, no problem. Please enter or say your ten-digit account number. After you are finished, press the pound key.

“I don’t have the number in front of me.”

No worries. Unfortunately, due to increased call volumes, we are experiencing long wait times. Your current wait time is…54 minutes. If you would like to leave your phone number and a brief message regarding the nature of your call, please press Pound 6-7. You will not lose your place in the queue. One of our Billing specialists will call you as soon your number comes up. If not, please stay on the line, and we will answer your call in the order in which it was received. We are sorry for your inconvenience. We strive to maintain high customer service quality.

Mac put the phone down, brushed his teeth, shaved, and splashed on after-shave lotion.

All representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please hold and the next representative will assist you shortly. The current wait time is…38 minutes.

Mac cleared off my desk and wiped it down with wood cleaner.

All representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please hold and the next representative will assist you shortly. The current wait time is…27 minutes.

“I can’t believe this. Hmm. Let’s try this.” #9.

“Hello, thank you for calling Pioneer Quantum Cable Customer Service. Sorry for your wait, and thank you for your patience. My name in Angela. May I have a phone number in case we get disconnected?”

Mac rattled his number off to Angela, the agent with a slight accent – Indian or Filipina, not sure which yet.

“Thank you, sir. And for security purposes, may I have the first name of your best childhood friend?’

Hmm. Mac searched the boundaries of his brain to recall when he had given up this information. “James,” Mac said.

“That is correct. Now, how may I assist you, sir?”

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I thought it was 27 minutes to wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m calling because I’ve been getting some funny bills lately, and now you sent a threatening red Invoice Overdue letter and will cut off my cable if I don’t pay this week. What’s going on?”

“Ooo, that’s not good,” Angela said. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Let me look up that information for you. For security purposes, what is the phone number your account is tied to?”

There certainly are a lot of “security purpose” statements going on here. What if somebody hacked into their system and got security purpose answers? Mac didn’t say it out loud, but he certainly thought it.

“Could be my wife’s, beginning with area code 612. Does that come up in your database there?”

“Yes it does. Thank you. Just give me the last four of that phone number. That should suffice.”

“8201, I believe.”

“Yes, that is correct. Thank you for verifying your identity, Mr. Laurason. Your account is being pulled up as we speak. Do you mind if I put you on hold while I research this information?”

“Sure. Go ahead.”

Mac flossed the other side of my mouth. Definitely she was from the Philippines. Wonder what time it was there for them?

“Ok, sorry for the wait, Mr. Laurason. It looks like you never cancelled your first account with us. Because you were moving to a new location, we created a second account in your name. Let’s see. The checks have been clearing but, what’s this? Oh okay. I understand now. Was the money sent from bank to bank or did it actually go through snail mail to get to us?”

“The bank sent a check.”

“Now it makes sense. The bank has been sending the checks to the first account. The checks clear and are transferred to the new account tied to the address you are at now, which takes about a week. Before it gets to the new account, the second account automatically triggers an “Invoice Not Paid” letter. It’s been happening like this for the past five months. The first account, however, also sends you a refund of your money because it’s an overpayment even though it gets transferred to the second account. Wow. Is this making any sense at all? In my world it makes perfect sense, but I understand how it can be confusing. It seems to be an internal glitch.”

“Yes, I do understand. Any way, you can cancel that old account completely? I will update the account my bank sends the checks to on this end.”

“Absolutely. I will also credit your account for the overages you were charged. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. This does not happen often, but when it does, we try to make things right.”

“May I put you on hold while I make those changes?” she asked, and before he could respond, he heard the elevator music again.

The music played for three minutes before being interrupted by a Quantum Cable commercial.

All representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please hold and the next representative will assist you shortly. The current wait time is…24 minutes.

“Oh no,” Mac said out loud.

Three commercials and only ten minutes later, a male agent got on the line.

“Thank you for calling Quantum Cable. This is Todd. May I have your phone number for security purposes?”

“No, I was just ready to finish up with Angela,” Mac said.

“Angela just got off shift and has just left the building. How may I help you with your questions or concerns?”

“No,” Laurason said. “I don’t think so. You’ve been very helpful.”

He ended the call and put the smartphone face down

Laurason wouldn’t delete the number this week because he’d be sure he’d have to go through the same process next month when his bill infuriated him. Today, though, he was going to tune in to some college football.

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