The Carjacking

What if...

The black ski mask hid his face, but his intentions were clear: he was stealing a car.

He checked the door and it opened easily. A woman in her 30s was in the passenger seat.

“Yeah, gotta run. Something’s come up,” said the woman into her cell phone.

“This is a carjacking, Lady,” said the car jacker.

“Obviously. Can I get out first?”

The thief squinted as if it were an insane question and said, “No, you cannot get out first. There’s no need to be frightened though.”

The lady sighed. “Frightened? In this neighborhood? Pfft. You must be new here. Careful though. Carjacking’s one thing. Taking me along for the ride is kidnapping and I’m pretty sure that’s a felony. Might wanna rethink this plan of yours.”

“Shut up, Lady. You gotta name?”

“Marcia. And I’ll thank you not to talk to me like that. Still think you should rethink…say, you got a name? Doesn’t have to be real, I mean if we’re gonna be together until the police come, I’d rather not say ‘Hey you’ all the time.”

“Ricky,” he said. “And don’t jinx this by saying that word police.”

“Nice to meet you, sort of.”

“Likewise I’m sure,” Ricky said.

He shut the door and put his foot on the brake, but lifted several pieces of trash. The entire floorboard was covered with wrappers, cups, cans, and empty bottles.

“How can you live like this, Lady, er Marcia? I can’t even put my foot on the pedals”

“Not my car. Not my problem. Not my monkeys, not my circus. You know the drill. It’s my sister’s and she is really gonna be ticked that you stole her car.”

“She got kids? I mean, look at all this junk on the floor here.”

“No kids, just a single female cop. A bit overweight, but aren’t we all? That might account for all the potato chip and cupcake packages down there.”

“No, we’re not all overweight,” Ricky said. “Some of us take pride in our healthy diets.”

“Well, aren’t we the special one? Say, aren’t you a little hot in that mask? It must be 95 out there today.”

“No, I’m not hot. And I’m not gonna show my face. Nice try. Wait, did you say your sister’s a cop?”

“Sheriff’s Deputy. Why, are you rethinking your plan yet?”

“Nope. I’m committed now.”

Ricky started the car and it roared as it idled.

“Seems like your sister’s car has a problem,” said Ricky the carjacker. He looked in the rearview mirror and a plume of white smoke appeared.

“Not really. Just a little noisy. And it uses a fair amount of oil, 10W30 if I recall correctly. Ricky, I know it’s none of my business, but why are you jacking a 20-year-old domestic? Why not go big with the Italian or German imports? Even the luxury vehicles would be easier to offload and worth more.”

“You’re right. It’s none of your business. I like cars I can fix myself. The foreign ones are all computerized and the parts are hard to get to.”

“I’ll say one thing, Ricky. You sure are a practical thief. You’ll feel right at home in this car. She’s put lots of money into it. I’ve told her…”

“Will you just shut up, Marcia? I’m trying to think.”

“All right, all right. Don’t get so testy.”

“Your sister. She a good cop?”

“Good cop, bad cop. Who really knows? It pays the bills for her so that must account for something. Good Christian woman. Why, you thinking to bribe her?”

“Bribe her? You must be out of your mind. I may be a thief, but I’m an honest one.”

“Yeah, I’ll need time to process that one…”

As sirens sounded in the distance, Ricky looked out the window to his left, and Marcia said, “Okay, Ricky, get out of the car right now.”

The gun she held was pointed right at Ricky.

“But, but…I thought….”

“That’s the problem, Ricky, if that’s your name. Dispatch heard every word you’ve said and are sending a squad or two our way. I was on the phone with them about another matter when you opened the car door.”

“Then your sister…

“My sister’s a nurse. I’m the law in my family.”

Two squad cars pulled up and four officers jumped out with guns pointed directly at Ricky.

“You okay in there, Marcia?” one of the officers yelled.

“Yeah yeah, no problem,” she shouted through the driver side window.

“Where’d you concoct such a story, Marcia? I’m impressed,” the officer said.

“Heard everything, huh? Comes natural, I guess. Maybe I missed my calling as a comedian.”