The Hamburger Diet

Doctor's orders

Mrs. Mauser was due for her annual checkup. She had been going to Dr. Jenkins since her kids were born more than 55 years ago. He was also in his 80s but never considered retiring as long as he had breath.

“Well, Mrs. Mauser, looks like your blood work came back. Only one thing in the red, your cholesterol.”

“Same as last year and the year before and lots of years before that.”

“How old are you now, Beatrice?”

“Two years younger than you. You should know that. 84. But I don’t feel so well sometimes, Doc.”

“What do you have going on?”

“Some kind of stomach thing.”

“What kind of stomach thing are we talking, Bea?”

“That’s the thing. Comes and goes. Comes and goes. No rhyme or reason to it.”

“Anything you do to relieve the pain?”

“Yeah,” she said chuckling. “McDonald’s hamburgers seem to do the trick. After one, the pain just goes away. But I really don’t want to keep eating those things. Bad for your health and all that...”

“All right. Sit back on the table while I take a listen to see if anything’s going on in there.”

Mrs. Mauser sat back while Dr. Jenkins poked and prodded with his hands, and then listened with his stethoscope.

Jenkins pulled the stethoscope out of his ears and jammed his hands into his lab coat pockets. He asked her a few more questions about the pain and when it occurs.

“Beatrice, you’re 84. If you were 54, I’d give you a different solution. Nothing abnormal going on inside you at your age. If a McDonald’s hamburger solves the problem, hop on over to McDonald’s and get that burger. But, Bea?”

“Yes, Doctor?”

“Lay off the fries. That’s why your cholesterol is out of whack.”

“Meh, don’t like ‘em anyhow, but I will enjoy a little ice cream cone on the side.”

“Fair enough.”

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