The Horse Pills
WARNING: You probably should read this story after you’ve had a good meal, still PG.
The prescription called for 12 pills with 48 ounces of water in 90 minutes, not once but twice within twelve hours.
Tom Webb took the challenge, not that he could have turned it down. It was time for his once in 5-year colonoscopy. The last time he was tested, the doctor prescribed a nasty tasting liquid.
But this year, he had pills. When he laid them side by side on the counter with 16 ounces of water, he just stared at them as if he were about ready to play the piano without any prior no training – totally lost.
There they were, 12 thick inch-and-a-half long pills. After the first three, he realized that drinking the nasty liquid was his preferred treatment.
After three pills, he just didn’t know if he could do it anymore. Webb had to press on and break through. He slipped the fourth in his mouth and swished it in the water to lubricate it, preparing to swallow it and hoping it didn’t get caught on the way down.
Number 4 got stuck halfway down his throat, not so he couldn’t breathe, but so he couldn’t take another pill before the fourth dissolved in his throat the whole way.
Drink more water.
He did that already. Tom did everything he could to psych himself up for the next pill, that is, after the fourth had dissolved and was safely in his stomach.
“Like the commercial, Webb, just do it,” he said to himself out loud.
“Who you talking to out there, Tom?” his wife said from her craft room.
“No one, Dear. Just trying to get those pills down.”
He took a swig of water, popped the fifth in and swallowed right away.
“Hey, that’s not too bad. Let’s do it again.”
Webb put number six on his tongue, drank a mouthful of water and hesitated. That was his mistake on number six. He took too much time thinking about it – remembering number 4 – so the pill started to dissolve in his mouth before attempting to swallow.
Tom tried every swallowing trick he knew about.
“Now,” he said out loud, and the pill went down.
He stared at the six remaining pills and considered calling the doctor’s office to tell them to cancel the procedure. There was just no way he could do another round of six tonight, or ever.
Webb stood at his wife’s craft room and told her he couldn’t do it anymore.
“Sure you can. Why don’t you take a hammer, crush them up, and put them in your water? Easy peasy and no one would be the wiser.”
“I like your thinking but somehow that’s not going to work. Don’t you think they would’ve thought of something like that instead of swallowing these horse pills? Naa, I just need to press on with this. Thanks for helping me think logically though.”
“I know I couldn’t do it. Good luck!”
Six more pills and fifteen minutes to swallow them according to the instructions.
Seventh went in his mouth and he took a sip of water.
Down the hatch, no problem.
“Here comes eight,” he said after drinking more water. He threw number eight all the way to the rear of his throat, lubricated it, and swallowed without thinking. Staring at the remaining four, he pounded his fist on the counter three times.
“I can’t do it. Four more. No! I can’t do it.”
Ten minutes left. He had already finished one 16oz glass and was ready to fill up again. He threw the ninth pill in his mouth, took a sip of water, swished the pill around in his mouth, looked up to the sky and swallowed. Webb took another drink. He was getting full.
“Almost there, almost there, Webb. Let’s do this!”
He drank water, popped a pill in, and swallowed. Without thinking about it, he performed the same for pills 11 and 12. Having finished the entire dozen, he let out a shout!
His wife ran into the kitchen. “What? What’s all the commotion?”
“I finished them all. Now’s the waiting part.”
“Good. What you just did was the easy part. And how do I break this to you, Dearest? You have to do this all over again tomorrow five hours before you go in.”
Webb said, “You’re a killjoy. You know that, don’t you?”