The Sneeze

...heard 'round the world.

When Basil Clinton sneezed, people knew about it whether they wanted to or not. And some were miles away.

But when he sneezed in church, sinners repented and the saints confessed sins they had never committed before because they thought the Great Judgment Day was imminent.

Of course, that’s an exaggeration of a Basil Clinton sneeze, though not by much because the trumpets on the Great Judgment Day are muted compared to Basil’s sneeze.

Pastor Craig waxed on about his three key points. With those points came multiple subpoints and then he had to chase a few rabbits to complement his subpoints. Pretty soon, parishioners forgot the original point. 

Basil was his usual self, his half-sleeping, half-restless self. And it wasn’t as if Basil never tried to stay alert during the preaching. It’s just that he stayed up too late watching mindless addictive videos. For that he was consistent. Every Saturday night from 10 on, he’d waste a couple of hours just like that.

So, when Basil drove the family to the early Sunday service the next morning, he was half asleep because the coffee hadn’t kicked in yet and he needed another hour of rest. Sure, he could catch up on his sleep later that afternoon, but football was on for a full six hours on Sunday afternoons, so napping wasn’t a good option.

The Sneeze, as it was known decades later, came at about the dullest part of the sermon, that is, when parishioners were checking their smartphones and watches to see how long the preacher would exceed his allotted 40 minutes this week, which many thought was thirty minutes too long.

The Sneeze caused the church rafters to rattle, the chandeliers to shake, the piano to self-play Onward Christian Soldiers, and Mrs. Genevieve Cartier to clutch her lily-white pearls just from Basil’s 20-second buildup.

Basil never really believed in covering his mouth for fear of busting a blood vessel or some such old wives’ tale, though those in front of him desperately needed him to cover. The sudden gust of wind revealed Jason Adler’s cheap toupee atop his previously unknown bald head.

Others talked about The Sneeze as a concerted effort to supplement the sermon that morning, Jesus Raising Lazarus from the Dead because it did seem to roust a few who had nodded off and were comatose until the closing prayer.

But alas, the church service ended and no one was seriously hurt, that is, except for Pastor Craig, for he really didn’t get to bring out the nuances of his third point.

Pity.