The Three Bears and WhatsHerName

And now you know.

Kids nowadays.

I blame the parents, though, losing track of Goldilocks.

Goldi wandered away by herself without adequate adult supervision, and into the woods she went. Didn’t they teach her that the woods were where all the lions and tigers, and yes, bears were? Oh my.

Okay, she got lost and knocked on the cottage door to get out of the cold. Fine. First bit of sense the kid had. Talk about bad luck though. How was she to know that’s where bears lived? Obviously, she’d been taught that bears hunkered down in caves and dens for the winter.

On the other hand, where exactly were the bears when she waltzed into their home?

Were they playing out back?

Watching TV in another room?

Probably on the internet.

Didn’t they have an alarm system or motion detection equipment that notified them of intruders? Aren’t bears into tech at all?

They weren’t gone long because the Big Bear’s porridge was still hot. And of course, the Medium-Sized Bear – presumably the mother bear – had cold porridge. Did she forget to heat hers up? If she was tending to the Big Bear and Little Bear, it’s no wonder she forgot to warm hers. Good mothers are like that.

Not content to eat the bears’ food, Goldi sat in their comfy chairs. Did she really have to try the Big and Medium chairs first to know they weren’t her size? Couldn’t she just eyeball the chairs for size? Even a kid that young knows big from small.

The food, the chairs, and then she goes and takes a nap. Nice thought, though, except it wasn’t her home.

We know the rest of the story, sort of. Where the story ends is what happens after the Bears find her.

When Goldilocks saw the bears in the doorway, she jumped up with a start and asked, “Are you gonna eat me?”

“Eat you?” the Big Bear said. “Eat you? We don’t eat little girls. Just ask Little Red Riding Hood and Little Miss Muffett. Now, when Red brought that wolf along with her, yeah, him we ate. Wolf meat, tastes just like chicken. Muffett brought her spider – sheesh – still gives me the heebee geebees, that spider. Now pigs we eat. Just ask the Six Little Pigs…”

“But I thought there were Three Little Pigs…”

“Exactly. The Big Bad Wolf? Pfft. A gonner, but little girls? Not a chance. We’d get a really bad rap for that.”

At that news, Goldilocks asked for the nearest bathroom because, well, little girls. It wasn’t as if she could go wee wee wee all the way home. Different story. It wasn’t a polite ask either because when little girls gotta go, it’s like a damn burst open.

Fortunately, the Medium-Sized Bear knew Goldie’s plight and led her out into the woods where they went (which does put to rest that age-old question).

Turns out Goldilocks’ parents rounded up a search party of a hundred of their closest friends and went out looking for the wayward girl. They finally found her behind the bushes beside a Medium-Sized Bear with her arms folded watching over her. The bear roared because everyone knows bears can’t talk to adults. The adults understood the Medium-Sized Bear straight away even without words.

Mr. Goldilocks lifted his rifle towards the bear, but his wife said, “No, Ralph, don’t shoot. Look at the tear coming down her cheek.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Silly me. I do have a soft spot for crying bears. Goldilocks, get your things. We’re going home. How in the world did you go so far, girl?”

“Ralph, be careful what you say because I think the bear just flashed us her Department of Children and Family Services ID.”

Ralph turned back to the bear and waved. He gave her a nervous laugh.

The Medium-Sized Bear was not amused. Either that or she just wanted to get back to her cold porridge. These humans were trouble, who needed them?

So, now you know.