Thumb Twiddling Specialist

An actual job? Say not so.

The ad was as unusual as it was unique:

Thumb Twiddling Specialist. Male or female. Must be 18, able to sit for hours twiddling your thumbs in the public eye. No college required. Must know Hebrew, Russian, Swahili, or Korean. $27/hour after 15-minute training session. Wardrobe provided.

Then the ad instructed applicants to send one-page resumes to an email address to a company in Houston.

Lance Stamon sent his one-pager in and within two hours received a phone call.

“Mr. Stamon, my name is Jessica, and I’m a recruiter for Glassman Clothier, the leading retail supplier of luxury clothing. Perhaps you’ve heard of us.”

“Yes, I have. I’ve only been in your stores once or twice. Outside my budget if you know what I mean,” Lance said.

“Yes yes, of course. Sir, we’ve reviewed your resume for Thumb Twiddling Specialist and we like what we see. Do you have time for just a couple of screening questions before meeting with our Hiring Manager?”

“Uh, sure, of course.”

“Mr. Stamon, have you ever twiddled your thumbs before, either on a professional level, as a hobby, or just because you were bored?”

“Yes I have, mainly because I was bored.”

“Excellent. Which language would you say you’re fluent in?”

“Korean with a smattering of Russian.”

“Great. Interesting to hear that story some time. One more question because we know you might be a busy man. Or not. Would you be able to twiddle your thumbs for two four-hour shifts while people watch, maybe even stare at you?”

“I’m not sure I understand the question, Jessica. Could you rephrase it?”

“Certainly. We get that a lot,” Jessica said. “Mr. Stamon, the position requires you to sit on a comfortable chair behind a large glass enclosure while you twiddle your thumbs for two four-hour stretches. Would you be willing and able to do that?”

Lance said, “That seems like an unusual request. I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to do that.”

“Good. Thank you. Now, do you have any questions for me before I forward your name to the Hiring Manager?”

“Yes I do. Why would you pay someone to do that, Jessica? I would…I mean, this person, if it were me, would not really be producing anything nor would I be productive, so why the higher pay and why the position?”

“Ok. Thank you for your time, Mr. Stamon. If there are no more questions, I’ll forward your name to the Hiring Manager. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you, sir.”

“No, but, but…” Lance said before Jessica hung up.

He held his cell phone in his hand, staring at the screen.

“Lance! Lance! Time to get up. Breakfast is ready. You don’t want to be late for work.”

Lance sat on the edge of his bed, wiping the grog from his eyes, considering what he remembered from his dream.

“Time for me to find real work,” he said as he stumbled to the bathroom, knowing the better part of his day resembled the dream more than he liked to admit.